The same argument again: understanding a couple’s conflict cycle
MY Psychology KK · Published
Prepared with AI assistance using the sources and clinic information linked in this guide. General information; not a diagnosis or a replacement for individual professional advice.
Some couples argue about different topics but end up in the same place. One partner pushes for an answer, the other withdraws, and both feel unheard. The immediate issue might be money, household responsibilities or time together, while the pattern around it feels painfully familiar.
If this sounds familiar, the first question does not have to be who won the last argument. It can be what keeps happening between you. Couples and marital counselling at MY Psychology KK provides space to explore that interaction with both partners.
Notice the sequence, not only the topic
Think about a recent disagreement: how did it begin, what happened next and when did listening become difficult? Write down observable actions rather than assumptions about motives. “I asked three times and you left the room” describes a sequence more clearly than “You never care.”
Each partner may experience the same exchange differently. A useful conversation leaves space for both descriptions without requiring agreement on every detail.
Start with one concern and one request
The Gottman Institute’s guidance on a softer start-up suggests raising a concern without attacking the other person’s character. Try naming what happened, how you felt and what you are asking for.
For example: “When our plans changed without a conversation, I felt left out. Could we check with each other before confirming next weekend?” This is a sample conversation, not a formula that guarantees agreement.
Choose a time when both of you can participate. Keep the first discussion focused on one issue rather than bringing in every unresolved disagreement.
Listen before preparing your reply
Give your partner time to finish. Then check what you understood: “You felt you had to make the decision alone—is that right?” Understanding the concern does not mean accepting every interpretation or abandoning your own view.
At our couples sessions, when one person speaks, the other listens. The therapist helps create space for each perspective and explore the interaction, rather than turn the appointment into a contest.
Pause when continuing is making things worse
If either partner is overwhelmed, a pause can help. Agree how you will return to the conversation so the break does not become an indefinite shutdown. The Gottman Institute’s conflict guidance includes taking a break when partners feel flooded.
Use the time to settle rather than rehearse accusations. If restarting remains difficult, bring that pattern to counselling instead of forcing a resolution late at night.
When is couples counselling worth considering?
Consider an enquiry when disagreements repeat, conversations are increasingly avoided or attempts to repair leave one or both of you feeling more disconnected. You can also seek support before the relationship reaches a crisis.
Where there is fear, coercion or violence, ordinary communication exercises and joint counselling may not be the appropriate starting point. Seek individual advice about safety and suitable support; call 999 if there is immediate danger. Our help and helplines page offers further starting points.
What happens at MY Psychology KK?
We work with the couple as our client. Mr. Charlie and Mr. Chong Tin Fung provide couple and marital counselling. The first session is an assessment to understand concerns and discuss a direction together.
As checked on 9 October 2026, sessions are RM360 for 90 minutes, including the first and subsequent appointments. Our approach includes transparency between partners; ask the therapist to explain the no-secrets policy and the limits of confidentiality at the beginning.
Read our couples and family counselling page for approaches, session arrangements and booking. You can also read how to prepare for your first couples session. Bring the repeated pattern you want help with, not a prepared case against your partner.